Been quite a while no? Had no real motive to come online too often this summer... Even when I did come on I didn't check Xanga... AT ALL...

I'm bad aren't I?

Well I have a computer applications class now during seventh period so I'm going to make the effort to keep this up to date. Let's see if tommorow or even tonight I could rant about my summer and some of the things I've been struggling with. Because right now I have to post on an RPG pronto.

It's the last day of school... You'd think I'd be excited about it right? Nope... More like it's a depressing fact... I don't want school to end yet...

So much has happened in the last month... So many good things.. Of course they came with some bad things as well... Yet this year was so much fun!

And will be special to me forever.

There's like less than an hour or so left... So it suxs...

I'm so sad... I don't want to go home for the summer vacation...

So very sad...

Goodbye Junior year I guess...

Hello seniority...

I'm wearing a skirt today! You should've seen the faces of my friends! They were all in shock! I was wearing a skirt! Something I NEVER wear to school...

Yesterday I collapsed in school. Actually it was outside of school. On the tennis courts. I was playing for maybe 5 minutes when I started shaking. I kinda ignored it. So I kept playing. Now I'm pretty competitive when I play. So I don't take it easy unless I'm actually sitting down.

By the second game I was shaking violently but I pushed it aside thinking it had to do with the fact I was getting angry at the other team. By the third game I could feel everything shaking and I figured something was wrong. Then I collapsed really. I didn't fall completely because I used my racket to stop me from falling. My friends rushed over and helped me off the court.

I sat down and tried to keep awake! I was so scared! I didn't know what was wrong with me... So then I realized I needed to get off the courts and to the nurses office. So two of my closest friends escorted me to the nurse. They could feel me shaking...

Some people say it was an anxiety attack...

Others say it happened because of the lack of food...

I honestly don't know what it was...

Only that I ended up getting taken home... Then recovering...

Now today is my friends birthday! Which is the real reason behind the skirt... *scowls* She made me wear it...

Oh well I'll write again later...

Okay the verdict is in. That sinking feeling in my stomach has been justified. My friend is still in the Bronx. She wasn't returned home. Which is why everything seems to be an absolute mess! I'm so worried!

I called her home here in New Jersey. I think it was her grandmother who answered the phone. I called during third period today during my history class. Then she let me out so I could go to a computer and possibly calm down. Tommorow is my friends birthday. I really hope she'll come to school tommorow.

I'm unsure of if it's safe for me to relate the events that have led to this. I'm unsure of so many things right now.

I praying that she's alright. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to her. I should've called her yesterday! I was so stupid!

I feel like crying. Yet I've done so much already that people want me to go to Guidance. The sinking feeling in my stomach hasn't left yet. People want to send me home. Yeah that's a bright idea...

WHICH HOME COULD I POSSIBLY GO TO PEOPLE?!

Ugh... My mom ditched me and went to Colombia... My dad's probably too far to help me... Life suxs no matter what anybody says life suxs...

I want to see my friend! I want to know how she is! What's happening?! What happened?! So many questions!

I need some answers that no one but her could possibly give me. Curse the day I decided to forget my cell phone. I wouldn't have cared if it was illegal in school! I would've called long distance from the school! I wouldn't have cared. Just to get some answers! I'm the only one in school who's reacting like this.

Everyone's telling me to calm down! I can't! I won't!

So I'm crying. I'm screaming! I'm being clingy to those I actually trust! I'm not me today! I've already been told that I seem possessed but I frankly don't care! I really don't care!

All I care about right now is the girl who's my best friend in the whole fucking world. The girl who made me open up and try to have a good time and can make me laugh no matter how stupid she sounds. There's not much I can do now in school.

Except suffer through the day and buy her gift.

If she's in school tommorow I want to try my best to give her a good birthday.

I silently made a promise to myself yesterday that I've decided to follow through with. Everytime my friend has a great time something horrible happens.

If I have to spend the rest of my life making my vow come true I will.

One day I want her to have a great time and have nothing bad happen. I want her to spend one day enjoying herself and forever remember it as the one good day that nothing horrible happened.

I WILL spend the REST of my life to make that day happen! I seriously will!

For the most part this weekend was fine... Till all hell broke loose and now I'm panicking in school because I'm unsure of a friends condition. No one knows what's going on and they're all trying to cheer me up. Which sadly enough isn't working for once.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know where she is. If she's alright. I've spent all my time since last hearing from her panicking. Worrying. I'm in such a state of distress. I mean I'm actually updating my Xanga!

Life suxs. The sinking feeling I'm having when i try to cheer up gets worse. I'm afraid. So very afraid. So worried.

This friend of mine tells me that I only remember the good. Never the bad. Which for the most part around her is true. I don't like getting lost in the bad. I don't like placing myself willingly in a bad memory.

"Joyful memories only make one part of the whole. Only with the other half can one's conciousness truly take form."

Sure I always look at the joyful memories. They're the ones I look to for the strength to keep going on in life. I look to the bad however when I need to give someone else advice. Or when something flashes in front of my eyes that send me spiraling into that abyss of darkness I've created in my own mind.

So here I am. Standing on the fence waiting for some form of news. If she's even here in school. If she's even home here in New Jersey. Or if she's still in the Bronx with her mother.

Of course when I go home today I'm going to have to act like nothings bothering me. Don't need another lecture today...